Little E was having a little bit of writer's block, which I totally understand.
I suggested writing about why red is the greatest color ever (even though we all know that isn't true).
Big E, who was sitting next to Little E, suggested he write about how Big E was the greatest brother ever.
I shook my head no. Because even though this is an opinion piece, this statement is blatantly false.
Like all younger siblings, Little E loves his big brother, so he enthusiastically agreed to write his opinion piece about how awesome Big E. (MANY EYE ROLLS)
Little E is still mastering handwriting, so let me transcribe his opinion piece.
Big E is the best brother because:
1) He protects me.
Tonight in the bathtub, I witnessed Big E b*tch slap Little E across the face. He then claimed it was an accident. I guess Big E was protecting Little E from some sort of 1860s womanly hysteria.
2) He plays with me.
This includes Little E digging around for hours and hours in search of misplaced Lego pieces so Big E can finish his Lego City Swamp Boat.
3) He shares with me.
Um...the only thing Big E shares with you, my Sweet Little E, is your muscle-y legs and perfectly round buttocks. As far as sharing toys, I've seen WWE matches tamer than the two of you deciding who gets the first roll in the Monopoly game. Or the last Dunkin' Donuts Munchkin (not even the good flavor).
4) He helps me.
Taking help from the dangerously-close-to-eight-year-old who is "cool with velcro forever" because he's too lazy to learn to tie his shoes? You don't need that kind of help, my friend.
I watched in fascination as Big E fed Little E all of these wonderful tag lines regarding himself and I tried to figure out if Little E genuinely believed them or if he was playing us all.
Why do your homework when you can have someone else basically write it for you?