Thursday, January 30, 2014

Update From Atlantarctica

We are entering a third, cold, soul-stealing day of homeboundness thanks to the ice coating on our hilly street.  I've got a rental car from a previous bad driving decision, so I'm not about to take the gamble with Enterprise's finest.

I was born in St. Louis.  Before we moved to the tropics of Florida, my parents took the opportunity to snap many pictures of me in my awesome winter coat, mittens, and arsenal of snow balls.

Understandably, I was giddy to get the Yoys out into the snow for fun.  I bundled them up, a process not to take lightly.  In fact, it took many, many minutes.

I bundled myself up.

I texted my Floridian neighbors, who I knew would be the only other people around that would understand my manic snow feelings, and headed outside with the boys.

For ten minutes, it was epic snow fun.  

Snow angels, snow balls, snow trains.  I took approximately 500 pictures so Big and Little E could look back and remember that time they played in the snow.

Big E went down for a snow angel thanks to the encouragement of our neighbor.

Big E's face said it all.  This white sh*t is cold.

And scene.  He was done with the snow.

I NEED A HOT SHOWER!  HOT SHOWER NOW!

Big E went running into the house in a panic.

I laughed.  He clearly inherited my reptile blood.

Big E is not impressed with the snow and ice.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Mrs. Yoy: Happy Bloggerversary

Three years ago today I wrote my first Mrs. Yoy Blog entry.

I cannot emphasize how much writing these stories helps me unwind from some crazy-a** days.

As a special treat, I've linked up some of my favorite entries from the past year.








As always, thank you so much for reading and providing feedback.  I love hearing from you all.


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Big E: Time For Your Checkup! (As sung by Doc McStuffins)

This afternoon was Big E's five year checkup.

To get Big E into the office, I swore up and down that there would be no shot action today (even though I had no basis for this allegation) and the heavens heard my prayers, as there were no shots.  I just high-fived myself.

Of course, things were off the chain because I'm 1) in public and 2) have both Yoysers.

Big E started off by romancing Dr. K.

DR. K. I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.  IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!  I'VE BEEN SO HEALTHY SO I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE.

Even with his brown-nosing, Dr. K still delivered the news that Big E only grew 1.5 inches this year and she'd prefer to see him grow between 2-2.25 inches/year. I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I'm not.  Genetics will eventually catch up with my kid.  While I am the jolly green giant, Mr. Yoy isn't.  And Big E won't be either.  He came in at 50% for height (41.5 inches) and 45% for weight (38lbs).  I know these stats are not that interesting to you, but I want to remember them when it is Little E's turn.

Dr. K had Big E strip down to his Scooby-Doo tighty whities.  Dr. K. examined Big E and I rattled off a bunch of questions I had concerning his insomnia.  Little E must have been feeling the neglect as he completely stripped down while we weren't watching.  There was a ton of Yoy a** happening in that small examining room.

As we giggled at Little E's sudden unexpected nudity, Big E felt he needed to switch the attention back to him.  He was seated on the examining table in his undies.  He pulled out his privates through the hole in his undies and grinned away.

BIG E, BUT YOUR PRIVATES BACK.  THEY ARE PRIVATE.

Dr. K put my son in his place.  And I was glad.  And also totally embarrassed.  I promise we are not barbarians.

Big E then pointed out the window and showed Dr. K which Buckhead building was Mr. Yoy's.

THAT'S WHERE MY DADDY LIVES!! (I clarified that while Mr. Yoy does, in fact, sleep in our home, he pretty much lives at the office.)

Next up on the check-up, some lifestyle questions.

1) BIG E, WHAT TYPES OF GREEN VEGETABLES DO YOU EAT?
My son, who never, ever, ever stops talking for a brief second blanks.  After what feels like ten minutes, he manages to blurt out edamame.  While it is green, and consumed in mass quantities here at the Yoys, I'm pretty sure it is a legume.  He made zero mention of the avocado, green beans, and broccoli I'm always shoving down his throat.  So there I am.  The mom that doesn't give her kids any green foods.  It's all sugar, all the time over here.

2) BIG E, ARE YOU DRINKING YOUR MILK?
While Little E is happiest suckling a cow, Big E has never had the taste for it. He is a water guy.  We are a juice-free household.  He proclaimed his hatred for the white stuff (bad), but let Dr. K know that he drinks tons of water (good).

3) BIG E, DO YOU KNOW YOUR ADDRESS?
Initially this was a big, fat nope.  But then he had a moment of clarity and remembered the name of our street.  I give him a 50/50 chance of finding his way back to us if he gets lost.  And I'm fine with that.

4) BIG E, DO YOU KNOW YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY'S TELEPHONE NUMBER?
Again, another nope.  He knows that Disney Junior is channel 272 and that mommy canceled it.  That's all the numbers he needs to know.

Dr. K had Big E hop on one foot and do some other quick movements and then it was almost over, except for my confession.

I DON'T THINK I'M EQUIPPED TO RAISE THIS CHILD.

She laughed.  I sort of laughed/but maybe also cried.






Aunt Yoy: Fifty Shades of Poo


This entry is written by the now famous Aunt Yoy.  

When Big E was born, and Aunt Yoy had not yet been introduced to the joys of motherhood, she couldn't even say the word "poo" out loud without gagging.  So you can see in just a few short years how much she has progressed.

Also, I couldn't figure out how to switch her entry into my normal font and I'm too impatient/computer illiterate to figure it out.  

Enjoy!  

Yes, that is correct. Since becoming a mom of a now 3 year old girl and 18 month old boy, I have seen 50 shades of poo. Shades I never knew existed before I had kids. 

Motherhood in general has been a wild ride. I have been up and I have been down. I am fatigued beyond belief.  I have begun drinking wine at night to take the edge off. I have starting using “ish” as a new modifier for time as a correction factor to what ever my kids throw at me to make me late. (We will be there at 10:30ish).  I have judged myself for looking at facebook rather then playing with my kids. I have judged myself for playing with my kids rather then spending time with my husband. I have judged myself for spending time with my husband rather than taking some time for myself. I have obsessed over what they eat, what they don’t eat, what they say, what they don’t say, when they sleep and when they don’t sleep. 

Again, I have seen 50 shades of poo. Poo is messy and stomach churning and the worst part about it is there is ALWAYS more.  But you know what? I have also seen 50 shades of love.  Shades I never knew existed prior to having kids. The warmth you get when your kid spontaneously hugs you. The love you feel when your kid smiles so big and wide you spontaneously smile as big and wide yourself.  Love is messy and stomach churning, and the BEST part about it is there is ALWAYS more. 


Friday, January 10, 2014

Big E: Going For Gold

This evening we went to our synagogue for shabbat services.

I brought the Yoys' pajamas for a quick wardrobe change before we hit the road. Always the optimist, I believe putting them in their bedtime attire will cause them to fall asleep on the drive home.

I headed into the women's lounge for the big change.  Little E was up first.  He was pretty easy and cooperative as usual.  Tonight he definitely won best behaved.  Not like I have a daily contest, but if I did...

Big E was more reluctant.  He was involved in a serious game of hide and seek/tag.  I finally coerced him to stand still for a moment and was able to strip him down to his birthday suit.

He looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and took off.

He was Usain Bolt going for the gold.  I was his pathetic mom caught off guard as it was hour thirteen of being awake and was sporting knee-high Stuart Weitzman boots.  Coupled with my first heavy workout in about a month and I might has well been running in quicksand.

Big E!  Big E!  I shouted in vain.  He was gone.

All I could see was his bare bottom flapping freely in the overheated synagogue hallway.

STOP!  STOP!  STOP!  PLEASE STOP!

He was laughing his a** off the entire way down the hall.  The disapproving eyes of all the synagogues past presidents looked down at him from their ancient black and white photos hung on the wall.

This is when I get struck down by lightening.  I just knew it.

Luckily, the hallway was clear with the exception of a security guard at the far end frantically checking his phone.

I turned on the afterburners and finally grasped Big E's arm.  I dragged him back to the women's lounge, scissor-locked him in my legs and forced some clothing on him.

I can't believe he streaked our synagogue.  On shabbat.

On the drive home Big E reflected on the evening.

I HAD FUN WITH MY FRIENDS, BUT SOMETIMES I TURN MY STEERING WHEEL THE WRONG WAY.

I THINK that was his way of admitting he made a poor choice.


This is what Big E looked like tonight as he made a run for it.


And these were DEFINITELY the wrong shoes to wear tonight.




Little E: Let's Get Political

On Thursday, I was finally able to get someone out here to reinstall the piece of siding that was taken off during the Polar Vortex (see, I used it again) of 2014!

After some crooked guy quoted me a price of $150!! to replace one small plank of siding, I asked around and got the name of a local handyman.  I called him and he promised to be out within a few hours.  And he was.  And he was great and Sou-thern.

He rang the doorbell right after dinnertime and had his two school-aged sons with him.  Big E was immediately excited to have made two new best friends.

Uno, anyone?

The handyman went to work on the siding with his older son's help.  We chit-chatted about the elementary school that both our kids went to.  Everything was going swimmingly.

Little E snuck upstairs, for reasons soon to be revealed.

I heard Little E's feet on the steps and turned around to see him waving his plastic Israeli flag he received at this year's Simchat Torah celebration.  This kid was going to have a jewish parade right here in the damn kitchen.

Big E immediately started in on going to Tot Shabbat on Friday and the boys just looked at him like he was speaking another language.

For the trifecta, one of the boys asked Big E about his christmas presents, and the diatribe regarding his religion commenced.

I tried to stifle a laugh as I ingested the absurdity of the situation.  Why can't my kids ever be normal?

The handyman finished up in about 30 minutes and charged me a mere $50.  He rattled off a list of the services he was able to do if I ever needed any help with anything.

DO YOU CHANGE LIGHTBULBS?

Kidding, sort of.

Anyway, hopefully he'll come back next time we need help, even if my kids Torah Beat him and his sweet sons.


Flying high in my kitchen.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

The Yoy Guide to Kitchen Renovations

So, today happened.  I should have known it would be a cursed day.

Both boys' schools were closed due to the polar vortex (I just had to throw that in there, but I have no idea what it means).  Because in Atlanta we are a bunch of wusses.

I had a play date in the morning with Aunt Yoy and the kids.  It was fun and many hours of the day passed by.  They left for nap time and the boys played quietly in their playroom for some time.

Little E announced he was tired and put himself down for a two hour nap. Clearly a (missed) sign that the world was about to come to an end.

Big E was upstairs, Little E was sleeping, and I was straightening up downstairs when I heard something suspicious.

I could hear water rushing through the pipes.  I was putting off our vacation laundry for a third straight day, so it couldn't be the washing machine.  Big E wasn't using the bathroom and I had run the dishwasher earlier in the day.

I walked into the kitchen and the sound of rushing water filled my ears.

It took about one second to process what was happening.  I flung open the back door and saw water pouring out of the siding under the kitchen window.  F*CK! Yep, I yelled that out for all the world to hear.

I ran back inside to see water seeping out from under our cabinets.  This is how Kate Winslet must have felt as she grasped the horror of the Titanic.

At this point in the story, I'd like to credit the insane and dramatic media outlets for hammering home what to do if your pipes burst.

I opened the cabinet under the sink and shut off the water.  Like a boss.

I ran back upstairs and grabbed 12 towels, ran back downstairs, and began damage control.  All while repeating my mantra.  SH*T, SH*T, SH*T.  Big E was completely oblivious to the situation as he was smoking Jake and the Neverland Pirates.

Next came the sweats.  I was sweating even though it was nine degrees.  Who does that?  I just had visions of having to rip out my crappy kitchen and floors and the disaster and dusty mess...and maybe replace it all with granite, under cabinet lighting, and trendy tile backsplash?  Focus, Mrs. Yoy!

I composed myself enough to find a plumber that managed to make it to my house within an hour or so even with the pipe bursting epidemic that had gripped the ATL.

The good news is we had minimal damage.  We will have to wait and see if the floors warp, but I'm hoping for the best.  Or maybe the worst...

The plumber was great and even tolerated Big E's usual fresh meat interrogation.  As he dropped the $325 bill on me, Little E attempted to seat belt himself into his ride on car, but instead caught a chunk of his belly flesh.  Little E screamed out in agony.

I screamed, too.  Only on the inside.



My house is falling apart.



What didn't happen during the rushing waters.


Coming soon to the Yoy house.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Happy New Year!

At the beginning of 2013, I sat down to reflect on my life and think about what I wanted to do to better myself.

I was beyond the pedestrian resolution of losing weight.  I was into some seriously deep sh*t.

I thought and I cried and I emoted and I finally came up with the most perfect resolution.

In 2013, I was going to make my bed every day.

Yes, that's right.  Before 2013, I was lazy.  I would sometimes pull the comforter up over the rumpled sheets and toss a bunch of pillows on top, but that was it.  I subscribed to the why make your bed when you are just going to unmake it in approximately 14 hours.

But I committed.  And I achieved.  With the exception of sick days or days where the temperature dipped below acceptable Floridian levels.  Sometimes, I didn't get around to making it until late afternoon (or evening...) but I did it!

For the first time ever, I kept my resolution and it felt amazing!

In the spirit of setting attainable goals, I have come up with my 2014 resolution.

In 2014, I will shower every day.

Before you call the hygiene police on me, I do shower on most days.

But there are the mombie-tired days.

But there are the water freezes immediately after leaving the shower head days.

But there are the Mr. Yoy is out of town and who else is going to make a comment about my stench days?  Certainly not my children.  People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

I have put this out there on the internet for all to read, so it must be true.  You must keep me accountable.  If you see me looking busted, please, gently remind me of my resolution.  Or throw a bar of soap at my head.

Happy New Year to all of my friends, family, and readers.  I hope you have a wonderful (and clean) 2014!