Thursday, December 26, 2013

Big E: He Knows No Boundaries

Greetings from Florida! 

There have been many things to blog about, but I caught a case of the lazies and haven't been motivated to write.  Plus, my parents bought a computer with the new windows operating system and it might as well be DOS.

Today, everything changed.

My parents' neighborhood has a kiddie pool.  Said pool is riddled with my parents' neighbors' kids and grandchildren escaping the frozen tundra of Kansas City, Boston, and Long Island, just to name a few.

Big E loves the kiddie pool.  We are usually the first ones to arrive and then Big E's "friends" begin to trickle in.

I put friends in quotes because within minutes of meeting, Big E has made forever friends with the kids (and their parents).

This morning we met a family from Boston.  Their son was almost two and very adventurous.  Let's just say this kid drank a ton of pool water, even with his dad shadowing his every move.

Big E was immediately drawn to Boston Daddy.  And thankfully, Boston Daddy was very patient and kind with him.  I watched in horror as the following events happened and/or topics were discussed.

1) Religion:  ARE YOU CHRISTIAN?  This led to a light discussion on interfaith marriage.  Awkward for all involved. 

2) Back Scratch:  Yep, Big E gave this man an unsolicited back scratch.  Mr. Yoy would have been so jealous.  Boston Daddy seemed to enjoy it.

3) Butt Rub:  Boston Daddy had on a pair of super tight racing swim trunks.  They had all sorts of triathlon symbols all over them, so I gather he was into that nonsense.  Personally, I didn't think they were necessary for the kiddie pool, unless he was planning on racing all the little kids, but alas, I am not the fashion police.  Anyway, Big E kept tracing the triathlon symbols which happened to be on his backside.

4) Swim Lessons:  Big E attempted to teach Boston Daddy's toddler to swim.  I guess two summers of hard core lessons with Miss C has rendered him a certified swim instructor.  No one drowned, so I consider this a victory.

To summarize, it was two hours of overstepping boundaries and oversharing of information.  I pulled Big E aside multiple times to explain personal space and appropriateness.  This did not seem to penetrate his chlorine soaked skin.

So I just sat there.  Mortified.  Maybe I was sunburned, but most likely my red glow was embarrassment. 

P.S. I had a picture of all the action, but I can't figure out where it goes when I download it from my email because this computer blows.  Sorry.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Big E: Drive Me Crazy

We spent a significant amount of time in the van today.

And we don't have the super duper fancy van with televisions in the headrests. We have the baseline van.  The one where you are forced to have conversations with your children.

If you know Mr. Yoy, it will come as no surprise to you that there is a great deal of talking going on during our drives.

Below are today's hot topics in no specific order:

1) My Barbie Collection.  I was way into Barbies.  I had the townhouse, the car, even Skipper.  Big E wanted to know if I played with toys even when I was ten. My memory is vague, but I think I played with my Barbies until then.  I mentioned that to Big E and he was immediately intrigued.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BARBIES?

WHY DID YOU GIVE THEM AWAY?

And finally, he cried.  Because he was sad that I gave all my Barbies away and he couldn't play with them.

2) Our Living Situation.  Big E is learning about the human life cycle in his pre-k class.  Baby, child, teenager, adult, Larry King, and death.

WILL I STILL LIVE WITH YOU WHEN I'M 20?

I answered him honestly.

I HOPE NOT!  (Not because I don't love him, just that it'll be hard to commute to and from Harvard from Atlanta's Westside.)

This brought up feelings of anxiety.

BUT WHERE WILL YOU BE LIVING?  WHY CAN'T I LIVE WITH YOU FOREVER?

And finally, he cried.  Because he was sad that as a twenty year old male, he wouldn't be snuggling with his mommy in her bed.

3) Volcanos.  This one is on me because I let him check out some doomsday children's book about Pompeii.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE PEOPLE THERE?

WHY COULDN'T THEY BREATHE?

WHAT IS MOLTEN LAVA?

I try not to lie to him, so I dropped the bomb that they were all buried alive. That went over swimmingly and led very nicely into our next topic.

But not before he made me promise there were no volcanoes in the metro. Although I can't really vouch for Kennesaw Mountain.

4) Cemeteries.  We drive by a cemetery every day, but only recently has Big E taken notice of it.  I think the whole Halloween/spooky/tombstone thing has really piqued his interest.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE?

WHEN WILL YOU DIE?

WHEN WILL I DO?

WHAT DOES IT SAY ON YOUR TOMBSTONE? (That I was an awesome mother and funny writer!)

And finally, I cried.  Because I was having the most intense and random conversation with my child while trying to navigate Atlanta traffic.

My next car will come equipped with the built in entertainment system and possibly a second row privacy window.

Like a limo.

Hmm.  I think I'm on to something...









Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Big E: First Big Trip

Tomorrow, Big E will embark on his first hallucinogenic drug trip.

And no, I'm not taking him to the Phish concert.

Big E has a small cavity in between two of his back teeth.  It is the first, but certainly not the last, time that I feel like I failed as my son's care provider.  No amount of brushing, flossing, and quarterly fluoride treatments would stop this thing.

Our dentist recommended that we go ahead and fill it.  And he uses laughing gas in the process.  His doomsday teeth predictions easily sold me on the procedure. 

I have only one experience with laughing gas.  I was a child and needed some teeth pulled to progress on the six year adventure that was my braces.  

A few deep breaths of the gas and my pediatric dentist amazingly transformed into a robot.  As he asked me harmless questions about my summer camp in his robot voice, I began to freak out.  I closed my eyes tightly.  I allowed myself to peek at my robot dentist.  But instead of a dentist he looked like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland.  I was officially tripping out.  This memory is seared into my brain even thirty years later.

Understandably, I'm a little anxious for tomorrow's appointment.

I've already fired the warning shot at Big E.

UM, BIG E, TOMORROW WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO DR. H'S BECAUSE HE WANTS TO CLEAN OUT YOUR CAVITY WITH SOME WATER.

He seemed ok with that, because up until now, he loved his dentist.  

And what sort of sh*t will Big E trip out over?

It will probably be a Disney Junior bonanza up in that chair.  Sofia, Captain Barnacles, Jake, Special Agent Oso - they'll all be there!

Please send some positive vibes our way!  Thanks!




Monday, December 9, 2013

Mrs. Yoy: On Probation

Mr. Yoy has informed me that I've been doing a crap job of documenting the recent happenings of the Yoys.  He has put me on a performance improvement plan and if I don't meet his specified goals, I think I may be out of here.

November 22nd was the date of my last blog entry, which Mr. Yoy was quick to point out was almost one month ago.

So what have I been doing with all my free time, you wonder?

1) Removing 15,000 photos from my encumbered iMac to the cloud.  You think I post a plethora of pictures to Facebook and Instagram, you should see the sh*t going down on my computer.  It's a guarantee that the Yoysers will resent me when they are adults.  And yes.  You really do need hundreds of pictures of your kids in the tub.  It never gets old.  Ever.

2) Binge watching Homeland. The season finale is Sunday and I'll be damned if Yahoo News spoils things for me.

3) Reading.  Yes.  You read that correctly.  I read two books in the past month.  They were fantastic reads and I don't regret the hours I spent in my cozy chair while my kids raised themselves.

4) Wrapping an obscene amount of Chanukah presents.  This can only be done after dark, which is usually when I write.  I tried casually to wrap a few presents while the boys were in the playroom, but as soon as they heard the unrolling of the tape, they were like moths to the flame.

5) Going to parties.  Look, I'm super popular.  I can't help it if I'm hosting things and attending things and being a Yoy about town.  I just can't.  My calendar has finally calmed down. This, coupled with the fact I ate and drank myself out of all my party dresses has given me the extra time I need to blog.

6) Laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and willing myself to take a shower.  It's cold.  I'm tired.  Enough said.

So there you go.  I'm riddled with excuses.  But really I'm just lazy.  And I promise to do better.  Please forgive me.


Typing away...