Maybe even his last class of any organized activity ever for the rest of his life.
About 25 minutes into the 45 minute class, Big E walked over to me and declared he was tired. He sat down on the bleachers.
I don't deny the possibility that Big E is tired. We had a late night last night and if wine hangovers were contagious, Big E probably had a touch of it.
I asked him to say goodbye and we headed out of class. We made it halfway towards the building's exit when Big E changed his mind. Or should I say Sybil changed his mind.
My butt reunited with the bleachers and I watched in horror as my son laid out on the dirty Astroturf and committed to the best Weekend at Bernie's impression ever. He was a corpse. His coach could not get him to move. His friends jumped on him and threw stuff at him and still, dead body.
At this point, he became a disruption to the class. His coach asked Big E nicely a few times to return to his spot on the field.
Radio silence from my kid. This is not acceptable.
It's one thing for him to act like a total sh*t to me, but not to other adults. No way.
I strode over to Big E's limp body, leaned down and gave him a whispery, sugary ultimatum.
GET UP RIGHT NOW AND LISTEN TO YOUR COACH OR WE ARE LEAVING. THOSE ARE YOUR CHOICES.
Big E opened one eye, ever so slightly.
I'M TIRED. I WANT TO LAY HERE!
I gently asked him one more time, as my patience had all but evaporated, and I was trying desperately to hold it together in front of the other parents.
I WANT TO STAY AND LAY!
I snapped like a toothpick. I grabbed him, swung him over my shoulders like the Incredible Hulk. He began kicking, screaming, and hitting me. Little E followed like a deer in the headlights.
I pinned Big E into the car seat with my knee (while wearing a dress!!) and buckled him in.
On the explosive temper tantrum scale, I'd rate this as whatever comes after nuclear.
The entire way home he screamed to go back to soccer.
I LEARNED MY LESSON! I'LL LISTEN!
Oh, if only I had a penny for every time I heard that.
Currently he is sleeping off yet another a**hole hangover.