You may envision us all snuggled together in our winter jammies, drinking hot chocolate, and reading books about loving families. But that is not exactly how it went down.
I spent 30 minutes bracing myself against Big E's leg and arm thrashings and heavy breathing. I have a terrible insomnia problem and once I'm woken up it takes me about two hours to fall back asleep. I certainly wasn't going to spend my time staring at the ceiling in Big E's room. There was television to watch, Kindles to read, and most importantly my big, fluffy amazing bed calling my name.
Big E finally went still around 4am. It was time for my big break!
Atom by atom I began to move myself closer to the edge of his bed. The key here was to not make any movement. I cursed myself for overcommitting and covering myself with his sheets and blankets. This was going to be a tough escape, but I had to try.
One foot made it to the floor as I used the Ikea nightstand for leverage. I hoped my mad furniture building skills were not overrated. If this thing collapses under the weight of my desperate, clammy hand, I was screwed.
I took a deep breath, and completed my escape. I tip-toed towards the door. I heard no movement from Big E's bed. I could taste my freedom! Yes! The DVR was full of Millionaire Matchmaker and Glee! My lucky night!
MOM? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
My heart sunk into my bowels. Dang, dang, dang, dang!
JUST TO THE BATHROOM, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I sat down on the couch in the bonus room to strategize. Do I wait and see if he comes looking for me? Do I suck it up and go back in there? Do I jet on over to Walmart to do some early Black Friday shopping?
Because I'm a sucker for my kid, I went back in there and laid down. Big E was glad to have me back.
I waited another 30 minutes. This time I heard his deep, rhythmic breaths. His mouth gaped open in the shadow of the nightlight. This kid was definitely out.
I began my escape moves for a second time. The first time was just a trial run, but by now, it was a choreographed routine.
This time, I really did make it. Not a peep from Big E. I crept back into my room and basically did a swan dive into my cool, soft bed. I was so tired, not even Patty Stanger and her insults could lure me downstairs to the DVR.
All the while, Mr. Yoy snored away. None the wiser.