Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Sleep Deprivation: A Legitimate Form of Torture

Last night, Mr. Yoy was out of town.  I put the Yoys to bed early (6:30) and enjoyed a wonderful evening sacked out on the couch, wearing my fancy sweats, while watching terrible reality television.

Around 10:45, my eyelids began to crumble and I moved the party upstairs to my bedroom.  I tucked myself in a little before 11 and made it about ten minutes into Conan's monologue before I boarded the sleep train.  I had the bed to myself and I was going to have an amazing night's sleep.  I could just tell.

Fast forward 45 minutes.

11:55 PM

MOM!  YOU FORGOT TO TURN THE LIGHT OFF DOWNSTAIRS.  YOU ARE WASTING ELECTRICITY!

I slowly open my eyes.  Usually I hear Big E creep into my room, but last night, I was dead to the world.  I sit up and look at the clock.  It's not even midnight.

BIG E, I LEFT THE LIGHT ON INTENTIONALLY BECAUSE DADDY ISN'T HOME AND THAT SINGLE FLOOD LIGHT OVER THE FIREPLACE WILL DEFINITELY KEEP THE BURGLARS AWAY.  NOW GO TO BED.

He makes his way back to bed.  I zonk out.

12:50 AM

MOM!  CAN I SLEEP IN THE BED WITH YOU?

Normally, I'm dead set against this, because I usually can't sleep with Big E draped over my body, but since Mr. Yoy is in Maryland, I agree.

STAY ON THAT SIDE OF THE BED!

I spend the next hour listening to Big E make weird music with the boogers in his nostrils.  I help him blow his nose.  He turns and turns and turns.  I am not sleeping.  I am irritated.

2:00 AM

BIG E, IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO SLEEP, YOU CAN GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM AND WORK ON YOUR LEARNING BOOKS.

Big E is super excited about that.  He leaps from the bed and I pray that is the last I see of him for the next five hours.  Insert ominous foreshadowing music here.

The next hour is filled with Big E playing in his room.  He is role playing with his fire station.  If it wasn't the middle of the night, it would be endearing.  I'm just annoyed because now I'm wide awake.

LOUD SLAM OF THE DOOR!

I sit up and check the clock.

3:00 AM

I jump out of bed to give Big E a talkin' to about slamming doors while everyone is asleep.

As I make my way down the hall I see the scariest sight ever.

Light streaming out from under Little E's door.  That little bastard went into his brother's room and woke him up.

I was volcanic.  Well, almost.

I grabbed Little E's door handle and was about to make my grand entrance. Except Big E locked the door.  Like a total turd.  I scrambled in the dark for the coin I keep above their door frames.  Big E loves to lock doors.

I finally open the door and fling it open in dramatic fashion.

Big E is leaning against Little E's crib tracing letters in his learning book.

Little E is sitting up in his crib, flipping through pages of his very own learning book.

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON?!

I seriously was blind with anger.

It's one thing to wake me up.  But to wake up Little E.

HI, MOMMY!

I can always count on Little E to give me a warm and enthusiastic greeting.

I'M HUNGRY!

Shocking.

I'm not even sure what I said as I was so upset, tired, and annoyed.

I amazingly was able to get Little E back to bed.  I locked his door from the inside so Big E couldn't bother him again.

Big E swore he'd go to bed if I'd bring him some carrots.

Whatever, weirdo.

3:20 AM

I was wide awake.  I debated working out.  I quickly talked myself out of that. Instead, I turned on my light and did sudoku puzzles until my brain finally began to relax.

4:00 AM

I finally drifted off to sleep.

7:00 AM

Wake-up time.  My eyes burned from exhaustion.  Now we be the opportune time to become a coke-head.

I'm hoping for a much better night's sleep tonight.  If not, I'm checking into the St. Regis.  Please forward all calls and mail.

Today, I was a Mombie.  It wasn't pretty.

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